RUNNING ON EMPTY

God has gifted me with the uncanny ability to run on empty when other people would have dropped on the side of the road. For a long time now iv been driving on fumes if I was to do a self assessment I don’t know how it is that I haven’t fallen out, how I haven’t just burst out in tears how I haven’t had a nervous breakdown as a matter of fact people who get close to my life and space ask I don’t know how you do it.

God’s grace will stretch you when natural resources ran out I am anointed for empty I’m anointed for empty cuz if other people where as broke as long as I was they would have given up but there was something inside of me that told me I refuse to break down I know I should have stopped a long time ago but if I am honest if I stop I might just break to pieces so I just gotta keep going hoping that while I’m driving God will give me enough energy and enough strength I know this is foreign for those of you who have everything, I know its alien for those of you who have a whole lot of support I know this sounds outlandish for those of you who have never been in a situation where you are by yourself.

See there’s sometimes when I don’t feel anything on the inside and I don’t know how it is that I didn’t cuss folk out , but all I know is that even when I hit rock bottom God said I put in you a reserve tank so even when it looks like I’m on empty...my Cup still runs over. See sometimes God will test us to see how far we will go on nothing. I Haven’t heard any word from God I haven’t had any confirmation the only thing I am holding to is a promise, it’s been sometime since he made that promise and if I’m honest with you I almost gave up on God, I almost gave up on church..And if I’m honest with you Praise people made me sick, shouting people got on my last nerve cuz I wanted to know why they were shouting over their stuff when I didn’t have mine yet! But you see every time I think I’m going to break God breathes into me an overflow and an increase.

See if you connected to God it doesn’t matter what other people cut off, cuz if I’m connected to the source No weapon formed against me shall prosper, I was cut off from some money, I was cut off from some friends I was cut off from university, I was cut off from a job, but as long as I was connected to God everything was still flowing. God sometimes will cut off the supply of the stuff that’s been feeding you. But I’m so glad that I aint your Average...because if you were cut off from stuff as long as I was you’d probably not have made it But I’m so glad I stayed connected and even with no money I got Joy and the Joy I have no man can take away!

<< Ecclesiastes 9:11 >>I have seen something else under the sun: The race is not to the swift or the battle to the strong, nor does food come to the wise or wealth to the brilliant or favor to the learned; but time and chance happen to them all.

GONE IN SIXTY SECONDS...

nothing in life is for certain. anything you receive can be taken away from you within a matter of seconds. but its not always about what you lose, sometimes its what you gain in the process and most importantly what remains. i was told by a very close family friend we learn something new from everyone we meet, even if we never see them again. i couldnt agree more with her. i think of the people i just recently met and realized i learned a lot more from them than i had from people ive probably known my entire life. it saddens me to let go of potential friendships or relationships that i saw growing into something beautiful- but then it hits me, things happen for a reason. thats the way its always been and thats never going to change. no need to try and figure it out; the who's, the what's, the why's... just learn to deal. for every minute you choose to dwell on mistakes or mishaps, you lose 60 seconds of happiness that you'll never be able to get back.
NOWWW.... aint it crazy how we only pay attention to people or certain things for their image... the reputation they carry. we follow every move, every right and especially every wrong. we insinuate how good or how bad something/someone is, all the pros and cons by word of mouth. some of us dont even take time to research, we just go by hearsay. we read into things/people without even getting a chance to understand the story behind their image. when it comes to people, the ones we wish we were most like, the ones we "admire" or look up to, and the ones we envy or despise for no reason at all- we treat them like a dream instead of reality. we spend so much time talking about them, trying to be better than them or impress them... when really we dont even know their motive. the person you want to be most like might just be against everything you stand for. how do you know what theyre all about until you get a chance to sit down with them and ask for yourself? basically- dont let the opinion of someone else determine whether or not you take a chance. not every outcome is the exact same. you could miss out on something incredible.
like i stated in a previous blog, God made no deals when he was handing out life. you are the captain of your ship, you choose the direction you sail. some days you ride with the wind and some days it blows against you. no one said it was going to be a fair ride and not every situation is given complete justice. it is what it is, and like everything in life... IT too, can be gone in sixty seconds

That tricky four letter Word...

LOVE no scratch that LUST. that ugly tricky little 4-letter word that causes confusion, drama, happiness, and tears. i dont even know where to begin with my episode with it lately. an on and off relationship just ended, and im sad....but then i look ahead and think that maybe this is right for the both of us....no matter how much im missin us and the past. it seems that things were never going to be like they used to...and i dunno, maybe it is my fault...and ive known that for a minute but i dont think i could confess that to you...why? cause i know you will know that youve won. and i hate losing. i hate the fact that you cannot allow a friendship between us and that probably hurts me more than anything. i hope this isnt the end and somewhere in your heart, we can find the friendship that we never had from the beginning because we jumped right into a relationship....i like you dude...always had, and always will. but on to other things.......yes, concerning love. so theres this other person ive been talking to lately and hes like a year older, really cute and got some great things going for him...and honestly i would be a damn fool to pass him up. but im going to, why?? because hes already told me how much ive got him hooked and yaddayaddayadda...and mind you, we havent done ANYTHING yet...but he confesses and tells me how much hes liking me. and i dont feel the same way. i mean, i like him in the beginning, but i guess his heart moves faster than mine because now im just not that into him. it sucks cause i thought i really did, but ive learned from my mistakes in the past about acting upon bloated feelings. never doing that again! so yea....i think im going to stop talking to him before he gets too far ahead of himself. i feel bad, but its better this way right???

well...to conclude this....i think im just too independent for any guy at this moment. im tired of searching for someone to make me feel crazy about them, like i hear all these other people talk about their significant others and frankly, im starting to think that its all in their minds and theres no such thing. but then again, maybe there is and its just not time for me to experience it yet........

The bore of perfection

Maybe the rest of the world is too simple minded to understand this (excluding you and myself of course) but perfection is boring. Yes beauty is great but beauty and perfection are very different things. I believe beauty has so much more depth than sear perfection. To be perfect is to be generic and bland. Flaws are what make us who we are human in every sense of the word. Our flaws are what make us beautiful. I for one find beauty in the imperfect. Imperfection is key to laughter, sexy, and hart. In a world of male models and pretty boys, I'd rather have the dorky class clown type, or the dirty looking rocker boy who can make me cry write me a song and just get my emotions going than the perfect looking male model who brings me flowers and fawns for me ever so predictably.
I want the guy who snots when he laughs and makes doofy faces not the perfect wax figure that is on display for viewing purposes only. Imperfection is who I am I have Nappy hair, big feet, and thunder thighs that you wouldn't believe but I love myself for these things who's to say that some body else wont.
The way the media projects these vessels of generic perfection now a days truly makes me sick. Will the plain girl that has a lot to say ever get a chance?
Are we destined for perfect meritocracy? How can we appreciate life if everything shown to us is like a perfect ray of sunshine? I miss the days when the best musicians were blind, and the video girls were short and thick (back when thick was thick and chicks like beyonce were thin), I miss guys wearing jeans that were a lil to tight and shot to do laundry (the ones who could rhyme but still wore the Eurkel glasses), I miss slightly flamboyant male singers with high voices, and Emcees who were just that Emcees not balers or pimps or drug dealers. I miss days when musicians were the underdogs of their time not cheerleaders, beauty queens, or star athletes.
I miss imperfection cause perfection is just plain boring